About That Courtship and Dating Thing...

Because of a recent blog post about the perils of courtship, and many others that preceded it, my mind has been in a whirl with random thoughts on the subject.  This post has been written and rewritten in my mind and on paper several, ok, many times.   If you have known me for a while, you know I could not keep quiet about this subject for too long.

Things now look differently in our family then they did when this blog began several years ago.  Our kids are getting older and things change.  Out of respect for them and the friends they have, I have tried to lay low on the whole courtship versus dating debate.  But because we have walked this road a little longer than some and have learned a few lessons along the way, AND because inquiring minds want to know, I am plunging in to give you a few thoughts.

Keep a few things in mind-

• These posts were written several years ago.  Though people change and circumstances change, I still feel pretty much the same way, but with a few tweaks.

Going Courting

So About that Courting Thing

• Our experiences are just that- our experiences.  No better and no worse than someone else's.  Just ours.

• There is no right or wrong in choosing dating or courtship if it is done in a God-honoring manner.  If you are reading a post that says there is, I would tell you to find another post to read.  God is the authority, not humans, and in the end, it is He that we must obey and please.  Other people can just get in line.

So here goes-

I think the article in question is a bit biased and skewed.  Aren't they all, mine included?  Here's the deal.  We all feel passionately about what we believe and we cannot fathom that everyone would not agree with us or at least learn to once we presented the facts.  Our facts.  Our limited facts.  

Like stating that the divorce rate is going up among those that choose courtship.  Yes, that is what the article said.  I am pretty sure that the divorce rate is going up regardless of what path was taken to get married, courting or not.  And I am pretty sure THAT is what we should be concerned about, not how someone chose a spouse and married them.

The problem, as I see it, is not the path but the commitment.  Too few couples really understand that when they stand in front of their friends and families and make a wedding vow, that vow is FIRST to God, and then secondly to the person they are making googly eyes with.  If we understood that, then the divorce rate would be a non-issue.  In my world, if you make a promise to God, you had better stick to it.

Let's stop blaming the path and just call the issue what it is- our sinful nature.

One of the saddest stories I have heard on the courtship issue was about a young couple who spent every waking minute together with their families.  And they loved it!  But once they were allowed to be alone closer to their wedding, they realized that alone, they were not that compatible.  They had lots of fun in the family groups, but not so much when it was just the two of them, and therefore terminated their engagement.

Yes, I do think couples need a chance to get to know each other outside of their families.  How that looks is up to you, not me, or anyone else.

No, I still do not believe in or allow high school dating.  Once our kiddos are 18, rules change, but until then, that is our rule.  We do not approve of getting married in high school, and therefore do not think dating is needed.  Dating, or whatever you want to call it, in our family is reserved for when you are ready to be a spouse.  Most teens I know cannot even take care of the dog, more less a spouse.

I do not believe that dating numerous people helps you decide what to look for in a spouse.  The Bible tells us what to look for in a spouse.  That is enough for me.  People are not dumb.  Surely we can meet someone and know pretty quickly if that is a person worthy of time or not. 

Friendship is the best place to begin, in my opinion.  If you like being their friend, chances are you will like being their spouse.  If they annoy you every moment now, they will annoy you 20 years from now.  

Dating multiple people does not somehow make you smarter at or better at choosing a spouse.  It can however break your heart or someone else's heart.  It can confuse you, lead to temptation, and leave a path of hurt behind you.

God leads.  Really, he does.  We have seen this in our own situation and trust that in His perfect time and His perfect way, God will lead you to the right spouse.  Patience is not something we are very good at as a society, but let me tell 'ya, God is a master at it!

So do I have all the answers?  Nope!  Not a one, really.  The path is rocky, it can be painful, and it most certainly will not ever be what you expected.  But it is one that can be God honoring- whatever you choose to call it!


Linking up with Caroline!

Blessings,

Going Courting...

"Going courting, going courting, oh it sets your senses in a whirl..."

Or at the least puts a weird look on all your friends' faces when they hear the word!

Courting.  Ummmm...WHAT?!?!

We have seen the faces, we have seen the glazed over eyes and we have heard the protests.  So, I have come to set the record straight.  Hear me say that again, I have come to set the record straight...not to argue, not to appear better than anyone else, not to change your mind.  The decisions you make are up to you, and are hopefully made with guidance from the Holy Spirit.  But, because we get asked so often, I thought I would take a moment to explain what our family believes. 



Nope, we do not allow our children to date at a young age.  Nor do they want to date. Usually the motive for dating is fun and it is usually temporary. In our opinion, there is nothing casual about finding a spouse, therefore there is not a reason to casually go out with numerous people, especially at a young age.  Giving numerous people their hearts is not what we want for our children.  What we do encourage of our children is to find who they are in Christ and establish their relationship with Him first and foremost.  Then, to get to know people and make friendships that will last a lifetime.  We pray that those friendships are based on like- mindedness, a genuine concern for each other, and a devotion to the Lord.  Our children have found beautiful relationships through the years with both boys and girls using those criteria.

It is our hope and prayer that if the Lord sees fit, one of those relationships with someone of the opposite sex will begin to develop into more than a casual friendship.  At that time, after prayer and consideration of both our children and the other family involved, we will allow our child to enter into a "courtship".

Does that equate to just sitting on the front porch or in the front parlor?

Of course not.

But instead, "seriously and prayerfully considering whether or not you are called to the sacrament of marriage." Dennis Gundersen

See, for us that is the bottom line- are you meant for each other?  Is this the one that God has meant for me? Are you ready to serve the Lord together?  Are you ready to serve each other?  Are you ready, emotionally and financially, to become a family unit?  And yes, for the romantics out there, do you make each other happy?

But we are trying to teach our children that while physical attraction is indeed important and created by God, there are equally important factors to consider.  Things that hold a marriage together when the star lust wears off.  Are they taking the time to "discuss things that will help you decide whether or not you are compatible in areas like finance, household responsibilities, childbearing, child rearing...everything." Gundersen  Anyone that tells you those things are not important and worth talking about are feeding you a line!  Relationships based on feelings alone will come and go.  Ones grounded in the Lord will last forever.  Now THAT is romance.

The other thing we encourage with courting is family participation.

No, we do not intend to spend every minute with them...  BUT, we do intend to be a part of the process.  How exactly that looks will obviously be dependent on the unique situation of each child.  Here's what I would say to those that roll their eyes on that point...
I do not intend to  choose any of my children's spouses, but why would I not give my opinion and guidance? You see, I have been doing that for years, on various subjects.  Yes, I like that haircut.  No, that outfit is not acceptable.  Yes, that is a good idea.  No, that was not the best choice.  Why would a good parent all of a sudden say to their child, good luck on that one when considering one of the most important decisions of their lives.  Makes no sense to me.

The other thing that parental involvement does, in my opinion, is to help protect hearts from being hurt.  My husband and I came from a dating background.  We did date each other on and off for many years before getting married,  and YES, our marriage turned out great, by the grace of God.  But that does not mean that there were not a lot of hurting hearts along the way.  We want our children to learn from our heartaches, trust that we have a little more knowledge, and accept our authority and guidance in the process.  We want them to adore ONE person with all of their hearts, not just the piece that is leftover after many failed relationships.

Do we have all the answers?  No! Do we know exactly how this will all flesh out? I wish! We are still figuring it all out and have yet to walk down that specific path. In the meantime...

We pray for our children and we pray for their future spouses.  We are learning along the way and appreciate other families that have decided to navigate the same path.  There is no right way or wrong way to "court".  After all, it is just a man made word.  Our prayer is that we will make it a God honoring journey!

There are MANY resources for families concerning Biblical Courtship.  I encourage you to explore as many as you can to find what is right for your family.  If you find one that tells you EXACTLY what to do and how to do, put it down and find another resource!  Follow God, not man.  He will provide the way!

Remember, it is not what you call it that's important, it's what you do and why that's important.

Resources for you to consider-
Courtship-Does it Really Work by Mark Fox (CD)
Courtship or Dating - So What's the Difference? by Dennis Gundersen (See my review here)
Before you Meet Prince Charming- Sarah Mally


Song credit-
Going Courting- from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

This post is linked up with Caroline at The Modest Mom!  Visit her site, you'll love it!