A month or so ago I was pretty sure I was coming unglued. Really.
The loneliness, the fear, the confusion and the anger all built up and just about consumed me. I spent two weeks in a black hole. I cried hourly, nothing in particular set me off. There were days that I simply did not want to get out of bed and face life. I could not wait for the day to be over so I could crawl back into the bed and ignore reality. I wanted to run away and I tried desperately to figure out how I could pack up my kids and just go home to our family, knowing that was not really a good option. There were times when I felt like I could not catch my breathe as panic set in. Bitterness had taken root in my heart. The reality of my current life situation compounded with the many unknowns in our future set me into a tail spin. Well meaning friends would ask how they could help us and all I wanted to do was scream to them, "I do not want your help, I want my husband home!" I am pretty sure there were times that my children thought about the phone-a-friend option! I am pretty sure that if anyone on the outside had seen our reality they would have questioned my stability.
None of that is exaggerated. That is the honest truth, maybe even watered down a bit. It was ugly.
So what changed?
Certainly not God. He was and is always the same. I imagine Him at the time with His arms folded across His chest looking at me with a stern look, you know, like when your mom or dad were waiting for you to fess up, listen to them, or just stop talking.
I am pretty sure God was waiting for me to just stop - stop talking, pouting, crying, and basically living like a crazy person. To just be quiet!
And then He spoke to my heart.
For weeks I had been praying in not so nice ways. Seriously. Things like, "let the next assignment be so bad my husband will see the light and retire." "See the light" really meant "see things my way." I wont even tell you some of the other things I prayed.
I know, I know. I am sure God was shaking His head just like you are now. It is not something I am proud of, it is just honest truth. I wanted to scream at any person who wanted to talk to me about God and His plans and "working all things good" stuff.
I KNOW those things. I am a believer, despite my times of panic, and more importantly, I believe those promises from God. But just as I do not think we should tell people who have recently lost someone close to them that those people are in a better place, I did not want to hear scripture spouted at me. I just needed to hear I am sorry. I needed someone to validate my feelings.
Guess who finally did?
Through a military spouse-specific devotion book I purchased and His perfect timing, I found the reassurance that I needed. God cares, and He was just as sad as I was. And maybe even angry as well. He does not desire to see His people hurt, but He does desire to see them grow.
Through the course of the last month or so my prayers have changed.
I no longer am praying ugly, bitter things, but instead simply asking God to change my heart. Begging, really. To allow me to let go of fear and bitterness and be the wife and mother He desires me to be. To soften my heart so that when our next assignment comes I will handle it with grace and dignity. That I will honor my husband in my reaction.
I can't tell you I will love it, but I can tell you that I will survive it.
Because God is indeed changing my heart.
He always does when you ask him!
How is He changing YOUR heart, my friends?
Linking up today with some friends!